Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Social Irresponsibility

It occurs to me that somewhere between my birth and today, I've legitimately misplaced myself.

I'm sure I'm around here somewhere. Under the laundry, maybe on that end table by the door I never use, or in that coat pocket I took off last December and haven't worn since. It doesn't really matter, though, because regardless of where I'm hidden, I'm relatively certain I'm not here.

I mean, I'm here for all intents and purposes. The body works, biology continues to tick and tock on unabated, but somewhere in the shuffle of life, I'm seem to be completely unable to do things for myself lately. Yet every time I feel like crap, I have this completely untouchable drive to do something to fix it, but as soon as I find myself finding some measure of comfort, complacency kicks in as though the drive were never there to begin with.

Given that, am I a function of that mediocrity turned complacent, or am I actually that shadow of unquenchable drive that is seeking so desperately to find the drive to do something different hindered by something I don't actually understand enough to be able to face head-on, or work around?

As it stands, I've had enough trying to feel like everything I do or say isn't a mistake, and there being some landmine that's waiting under my next step. I genuinely have no idea what to do with myself anymore, and the only thing the stress is doing is giving me headache after headache, tired nights of long sleep but no rest, and the desire to figure out if there's something more to life than this.

The worst part is I don't even know what to do in order to start finding an answer. I don't know what's making me feel so very, very tired. Is it how I comport myself to my friends and family? Is it my ethereal relationships that make me feel so disconnected? Are my nerves a function of fearing what I'm currently undergoing in life, or what I'm afraid of what will come next? Or even something that's happened in the past that I'm not over?

I don't know. I really, really don't.

All I know is that it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to feel like anything I'm doing is being done right. Or that I should be doing anything at all. Moments like these make me come back to all the people who've simply filtered out of my life, consciously distancing me from themselves. I have to wonder what they saw then that I don't now, and worse still, if they were right.

"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers, you cannot be successful or happy."                                   - Norman Vincent Peale